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Apologizing My Way Through Appendicitis Jun. 08, 2024
My absent hunger was the first sign something was wrong. Normally, even when I'm physically full, th... Read More
The Big Babies Are Afraid of Rainbow Bridges Now Jun. 01, 2024
June is upon us, which means it's time to prepare for summertime truths. Hurricane season looms, sci... Read More
Make Restaurant Food Ugly Again May. 25, 2024
Since there are no bad ideas in brainstorming, here are a few new restaurant concepts: THE BEIGE BOW... Read More
Scary Campfire Stories for Middle Age May. 11, 2024
Gather round, summer campers. Hey, Braden. Put that stick down. The marshmallows are for s'mores, no... Read More
Inside Kirstie Alley's Estate Sale, an Eclectic Life Emerges May. 04, 2024
Past stacks of melamine dishes, a baroque dog bed and a Lucite stand that once held a Golden Globe, ... Read More
Navigating the Bloodbath of Mosquito Season Apr. 20, 2024
The morning of the reaping, I was so smug. I thought: Have fun at your meetings, suckers of the corp... Read More
Testing a Driverless Future in a Tesla Apr. 13, 2024
There are times when I want to move into a cottage and scold neighborhood children, wagging a crooke... Read More
The Timeless Satisfaction of the Middle Finger Apr. 06, 2024
Anyone who sits through enough public meetings knows the audience archetypes. There are the single-i... Read More
Kids Are Smarter Than Us, and Other Facts on Social Media Bans Mar. 30, 2024
Come, come into my awkward live chat. Let's discuss social media as moderators bounce the bots, ince... Read More
Pollen, Cold or COVID? Let's Play Spring Mad Libs Mar. 23, 2024
During an (adjective) stroll through the park on a sunny March, I was overcome by a series of violen... Read More
How To Tell if You're Too Old To Be President Mar. 09, 2024
Let's talk about it: Are Joe Biden and Donald Trump too old to be president? I don't know. Maybe? Pr... Read More
How To Watch All 10 Oscar Movies in a Week Mar. 02, 2024
Every year, I declare the same intention the way a tragic 1990s comic strip lady says, "Diet starts ... Read More
This Is the Time of Year To Touch Grass Feb. 24, 2024
Someone recently asked: Have you been to the beach lately? No, I said. Despite living in a peninsula... Read More
In Defense of the Trefoil, a Perfect Girl Scout Cookie Feb. 17, 2024
Each year, the Girl Scouts of America emerge from their campgrounds and crafty shadows to remind the... Read More
Erma Bombeck's Great Work Lives On at the University of Dayton Feb. 16, 2024
I was unloading the car I'd rented when my neighbor asked where I'd gone. "The University of Dayton,... Read More
We Need to Talk About Death and Applebee's Feb. 10, 2024
I thought about death in Applebee's. Where the Maroon 5 flows as freely as the margarita mix. Where ... Read More
If Taylor Swift is a Biden Psyop, Can We Just Have Healthcare? Feb. 03, 2024
An unhinged theory flying around this country, a silly widdle country, is that the United States gov... Read More
Tip Sheet for Ron DeSantis Upon Returning to Florida Jan. 27, 2024
ALL-STAFF MEMO FROM THE OFFICE OF FLORIDA GOV. RON DESANTIS Subject: One-pager of tips and talking p... Read More
A Floridian Reviews 'Steamboat Willie' Jan. 13, 2024
Great news for any creatives itching to appropriate a wholly specific, old-timey version of Mickey M... Read More
Please Respect Those Who Are Bad at Work This Week Jan. 06, 2024
If you are resuming responsibilities after a holiday spent flopping around like a southern elephant ... Read More
